Scary and funny: Undressing the naked truth about the future of airline travel

This is too funny, scary and prescient:

Undressing the naked truth about the future of airline travel

Cavity searches, complementary catheters, cryogenic suspension will be the norms

By Paula Simons, Edmonton Journal

January 7, 2010 2:07 AM

The Edmonton Journal

January 7, 2011

The federal government says Canadian air travellers will soon be asked to undergo full-body cavity searches.

The move comes after full-body scanners, of the same type installed in Canadian airports last year, failed to detect bomb-making materials that a group of alleged would-be bombers had secreted within their personal body cavities.

Transport Canada says passenger privacy will be fully protected, because all individuals being stripped-searched will wear paper bags over their heads, preventing security officers from seeing their faces.

"We feel this strikes the necessary balance between protecting passenger safety and avoiding unnecessary traveller embarrassment," said Transport Canada spokesman Winston Smith.

Health Canada will compensate travellers by including complementary prostate exams and PAP smears as part of the inspection process.

"We won't just be striking a blow in the war on terror," said Reductio Ad-Absurdum, a spokesman with the Prime Minister's office. "We'll also reduce the burden on our public health-care system by screening early for cervical and prostate cancer. We think Canadians will be open to the value-added benefits."

While a few civil libertarian academic-types raised concerns about the invasion of privacy, most of those commenting on The Journal's web-site were enthusiastic.

"Flying is a privilege, not a right," said one.

"If you don't have anything to hide, why would you object?"

"The world is a scary place," said another. "I don't mind having my government stick its nose into every nook and cranny."

The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking all local passengers to arrive at the airport at least five hours before flight time to allow enough time for the new inspections.

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The Edmonton Journal

January 7, 2015

In a new policy initiative designed to flush out terrorist plots, Transport Canada has announced that airline passengers will no longer be allowed to use on-board washrooms while the plane is in flight.

"Letting people move freely through the cabin, allowing them access to a private space where they couldn't be monitored, well, it's just too big a risk," said Transport Canada spokesman Winston Smith.

Passengers will be required to stay in their seats, with their belts securely fastened, for the duration of the flight. For short-haul flights, passengers will be provided complementary adult diapers. Long-haul flyers will be issued personal catheters.

"We feel this strikes the necessary balance between protecting passenger safety and avoiding unnecessary traveller embarrassment," Smith said.

While civil libertarians and others soft on terrorism suggested the new policy was an affront to human dignity, public response was muted.

"This is public safety we're talking about here," said Edmonton passenger Saaphtee Pherst, 52.

"If you have a problem with it, then don't fly."

The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking long-haul passengers to arrive six hours ahead of their departure time to be fitted for catheters.

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The EdJour.com

January 7, 2020

In a move designed to restore public confidence in air travel, Transport Canada has announced it is moving to align with a new American policy that requires that all airline passengers be placed in pre-flight cryogenic suspension.

"We believe that flash-freezing will maximize both passenger safety and passenger comfort," said federal spokesman Winston Smith. "Ever since we banned people from taking books, magazines, computers and food aboard planes, and made it illegal for them to get out of their seats, air travel has become unduly tedious. This way, we eliminate any terrorism and boredom, and allow passengers to arrive safe and well-rested, without jet lag. And since we'll be able rip out the seats and stack passengers like cordwood, we'll be able to make more efficient use of space and fuel."

Federal spokesman Reductio Ad-Absurdum said cryogenics was a proven technology with minimal health risks.

The Edmonton Airport Authority is asking all passengers to report to the airport 24 hours before their flight for freezing.

The EdJour.com

January 2, 2021

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Air UnitedCanNorthWestDeltaKLMVirginJALEl-AlJet, the world's sole surviving airline, filed for creditor protection this week in the wake of a disastrous Christmas travel season. A climate of fear, combined with fears about climate change, meant no one flew anywhere.

"Flying was no longer exciting or convenient," said business analyst Noitall Pundit. "The Age of the Airplane is over."

Travel Alberta is now asking people to travel by low-carbon donkey instead, and to stay strictly within a 100-mile radius of home.

"Foreign travel is dangerous and overrated. So are foreigners," said spokeswoman Pollyanna Xenophobe. "Alberta is the promised land. Really, no one should ever want leave it again."